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Tuesday, January 18, 2011


By Mike Porter

*** SATIRE ***

In a shocking press release today, the Federal Reserve Bank of America has announced plans to increase Nintendo Wii points to all domestic Wii game consoles by the third quarter of 2011. The plan involves selling a small fraction of the US treasury bonds currently being held by the Fed. The bonds will be redeemed for US dollars which they will convert to Wii points and distribute to all game consoles across the country. Owners of Wii consoles will expect to see additional Wii credits throughout the first and second quarter of 2011 with every game console in America being credited by third quarter. The entire initiative is expected to cost just over $300 million. With just over 30 million Wii consoles in homes today, the current plan will increase all US based consoles by 1,000 points or $10 per game console in the US. Wii points can be used to purchase new games online, rent movies through online movie services, or purchase additional game add-ons.

The Fed expects this will have a dramatic economic impact almost immediately. In a statement by the Fed Chairman Bernanke today, “Desperate times call for desperate measures. Today we find ourselves in a situation where most domestic Wii systems, have little or no Wii points available to them. That means game systems across America are no longer solvent and we need to act quickly to pump our game systems with liquidity so the consumer can begin online purchasing once again.” When asked if selling the treasury bonds will increase interest rates the Fed responded by saying, “The amount of bonds that will be sold for this initiative is insignificant compared to what is currently being held today by the Fed. We expect little or no change in the interest rate as a result of the sale of these assets. The chairman went on to say, “With roughly one Nintendo Wii system for every 10 households in America, we can no longer ignore the economic impact of game systems and their influence in the US or the world. The Fed has the means and the capability to monitor and maintain point balances on game systems if economic indicators require intervention. This will be used as another arrow in the quiver of the Fed to stimulate and slow the economy if need be. From today forward this will be known as quantitative Wii-sing.”

The reaction to the news has been described as ecstatic. Young Billy, a ten year old student, was asked what he thought of the news. He responded by saying, “Wow! That means I get to download some new games that my parents won’t buy me. Thanks Bernanke!” One unemployed gentlemen, who asked to remain anonymous, was thrilled and had this to say about the announcement, “That’s cool news! Since I can’t find a job at least I can get caught up on all my gaming needs. It’s nice to know I can help the economy recover right from my living room couch and my 1,000 Wii credits will be well spent. We need more programs like this if we expect to recover any time soon.”

Nintendo shares jumped almost 3 percent upon release of the news and all major indices are up following the announcement.